Sam's home

The above words are profound to me...."Sam's Home".  Hard words.  I sat Friday morning in the last family session with Sam and his counselor.  Sam had one task to do from our session the week before. It was a help Sam thing, a relaxation technique.  If you have ever looked at an anxiety chart you would know (as in all things) you start at one point and work to another. Sam is never at a non stressful point.  He begins at about Ustress and is always half way to fall apart.  In effort to find something to help the therapist had asked Sam to do a muscle relaxation exercise.  He explained that professional athletes did it before games (true but also cool).  It was perhaps the first such tool Sam could do anytime, anywhere and it was not noticeable.  A perfect self regulating tool.  When we talked about it he was asked to begin his day with it, but if he could not then must anytime would be beneficial.  Sounded great to me!  I think I can even say it sounded hopeful.

As we sat I asked Sam how that was going for him?  It was the very first thing we mentioned and seemingly set the tone for the hour that followed....  "I haven't had time to do that", he smiled and replied.  Smiled because even though we had talked about not telling him he was coming home, someone did.  And Sam quit.  Quit trying.  In truth he feels no great need to fix himself. 

I am exhausted, tired, sad, and negative about the days to come.  ATTITUDE is everything and it is a choice, MY attitude, MY choice.  The loop whole, the out, the  downside is that Sam's attitude affects the outcome of mine when it comes to his success. 

As the meeting went on the "What are you going to do when you get upset Sam?" question was answered, "I'm going to try to not get mad".  How are you going to go that?  "I'm going to try to keep calm."  How are you going to do that? "I'm going to choose to not get mad."   Words Words Words and not one single Tool.  Sam has been given tools time and time again, but he tosses them into the trash.

The counselor brought up the fact that the words were empty.  I told Sam, trying to make him understand: "If you told me you were going to fix the lawnmower but had no tools to do it your words would mean nothing.  Same is true today.  You can say you aren't going to lose your temper but you have no tools to fix it, nothing to work with."

I gathered up Sam's things, gathered Sam and brought him home.  We do have a plan to order a relaxation tape for Sam to listen to every morning in effort to help him.  I will buy it, I will download it, I will burn it to a CD and I will wake him every morning to have enough time to "do it".  But like taking a horse to water, I cannot make him do it.  And sadly, even if he does do it, I feel that the quality of his participation is not great.  He really thinks he is fine, my job apparently is to just fix the whole world!  It's a laugh or cry thing.  I will put forth the very best of my effort and care and love, but I am sorry to say I do not see success or even the desire to be successful in Sam's heart. 

Tomorrow Sam begins to school.  Tomorrow the real world begins.  My daytime hours just got shorter as Sam goes to school after the other children and gets picked up 45 minutes before the others.  So, we will see....

Sorry for the "downer" post....life's not always "up".......until heaven, a very nice "upper" to think about:)