Perspective....

I received a super sweet note from a young friend that said "....I am loosing control of my toddlers........."  It was to the point and I had to smile at the wonderful perspective it gave ME!!!

I have lamented over my tweens...I today have 3 twelve year olds, 3 thirteen year olds, 3 fifteen year olds and Seth (9) and Mercedez (16)....In another month I will for several weeks have 5 thirteen year olds....I have said that I had rather have 5 three year olds....perhaps I have forgotten?  

I almost didn't put this here, but my blogging is as much for my children as me and someday one may wonder the same exact thing, and here will be my readers digest version of advice:)

        

Oh _____!!  In a couple of weeks we will have 5 thirteen year olds. I made the comment I have rather have 5 three year olds:) Perspective and time....I remember those years. I did survive them(so will you!!) and while you spend so much time seemingly fussing and providing time out? Your boys LOVE you! In the years to come you will still fuss and time out, but the rewards of those efforts will be a little harder to see.

I am guessing you asked for my thoughts? Or rather my thoughts from the trenches?  I am still embedded there, although a bit further down the ditch!

Key....the very first thing (for me) has to be the ability to quickly deal with a behavior and MOVE ON! I cannot allow the frustration to overwhelm me or to bleed over into my time with another child (because as you know, there is one waiting for the very next available second you have). I deal quickly with my words and consequences (unless you are a teenager, then I hang on til they want to throw up...lol).

Second, natural consequences are always best!! If they mess it up? They pick it up. If they spill it...they clean it. Once we move beyond natural (at the age your talking about) I many times told my toddler, "you lost a treat" for whatever behavior. I then PROMPTLY gave a really good treat to my other children. I cannot tell you how many times the other kids were actually rewarded for one child's misbehavior, although they never ever knew!  I can tell you that in the midst of frustrating "ugly" the ability to do something that brings joy to the other children while hitting home the loss to the negative child? It helps.

Third (although it might should be first)....NEVER SAY ANYTHING YOU DON'T MEAN!! I also should add I never say anything that is punishment to me!! For example, I never say "you aren't going to the ballgame, to church, to the store, etc...." Because I AM going. But, I might say, "You will not get a treat at the ballgame because you did not earn it." Now I always did follow up with another snack worthy opportunity fairly quickly after the first so they learned to live with the consequence AND correct their behavior. I may have had a child miss the first two snacks, but rarely the third.    I had a house full of toddlers and teenagers. We sat at football games and basketball games and baseball games and cross country matches and soccer games and ......the list is long:)  At the end of each quarter (or inning....etc) if you had been respectful you receive a treat.  Perhaps a sucker, fruit roll-ups, something we rarely had...  It was a system that worked for me:) 

FORTH....even at the age your boys are....my "make me feel better" phrase..."I am so sorry you chose to_______" . WE (or me...I am not) are not making the bad choices. Those words will be words of ownership you teach your children....choosing is BIG. It always made me feel better....I was not choosing to give a negative consequence...they CHOSE to have one.

Fifth....perhaps the hardest....STOP and sit down....enjoy as much silliness as you can. Your boys are still little....find those silly moments and latch on! I know in the midst of whining and fussing and fighting it is so hard to get our head in the right place...but it is important to your boys and to you to have fun. Nothing is more important they your family.  Clothes will wait, dinner will wait, cleaning will wait...but your children don't wait...they grown up!  So stash fun things around...cookie mix you can divide into three bowls and have a baking time, silly objects to build big towers with (pennies toothpicks or cards...anything they don't play with that would be special, play dough was my kids favorite)......you know your boys....find things they love....and if someone isn't "happy" playing with you? Remove them. Send them to play alone. Not as punishment, but as a choice ....happily play with mommy and brothers or go let mommy and brothers enjoy their time.  Either choice should not upset you...sometimes time alone is good for them.

Sixth....I "time in" more than"time out". If you(my child) are in trouble you have to sit IN with mommy. If I'm cooking ....its a chair in the kitchen. If I'm washing clothes...its the floor where I'm folding. I think sometimes we need them with us (yikes...I know that is punishment to us...lol) but we need to be able to talk with them...it sets up a pattern for communication and working out problems. When they can talk about what happened (to the best of their abilities) and apologize...so you can send them back into the thick of things.

You know I could go all day....or night...lol. I would be happy to problem solve issues or whatever you need....certainly I will pray for you:)  

I do know, even though it doesn't seem like it, these years will pass so very quickly ! You will look back and not remember so much of the hard parts. Such is most of life with our kids!

For me, and it is harder (perhaps?) for you....I had built in babysitters in the later years and Scott and I made it a point to eat out one night a week...EVERY week. We might just be gone an hour....but it was a huge survival point. You and _____ need to have that....sometimes we got ice creme, sometimes we sat in the car and just talked....but you know, I am sure, that truly "away" moments are very hard to find!  Cherish your husband and make sure you are both were you need to be for one another, that old saying "the best thing a father can do for his son is to love his mother!"  It works both ways....we must protect that relationship.

I hope I've helped...please do call anytime!! My Indians are in school everyday so you can wrestle yours to nap time and hide in the closet and call me!!

 We all need to write down the things that "worked" for us, I promise there is always another mother who would covet the ideas you had and along the way she will make all kinds of new ones to share in turn!!