Robyn and Lisa's questions

Two of my reader friends asked questions...I decided to just post them here since they asked them here:)

hi Amanda, this post comes in good timing for me. As someone who is and has parenting many children I had a question for you. My oldest daughter (im a single mother of 2 girls, ages 9 and 2) just finished grade 3. She struggles with anxiety and huge fear of failure, and is quick to give up and say "i cant!" if she doesnt get an answer right the first time (for example while trying to read a word she doesnt know, or while doing math). I just wonder what you would do in such a situation with your child? She is the kind of personality that to put my foot down and say yes you can, just do it! wouldnt work. She is very sensitive and wants to please so badly, Im seeing a lot of signs of low self confidence and this scares me as she will be a preteen and teen very soon. She seems to lack that drive, that knowledge that to gain a skill (reading, swimming etc) she has to try and try and fail and keep trying. just curious what your parenting style would be in such a situation? i dont know how to subscribe to see if you comment after this comment, so perhaps you could email me? i understand if you dont have time :) thanks so much!

Shew….Robyn:)  My Caleb was a little like that (haha….A LOT!!).  He refused to write his name because it simple didn’t look like he thought it should.  He was the child who I could say “That is soooo good Caleb!” and he would say “No it isn’t!”  While I so very often pray for discernment in my children I can assure you that true discernment is bad.  He started to kindergarten and still would not write his name.  He had a beautiful sweet teacher whom he loved greatly.  That year he not only wrote his name but his last name too…and Smotherman is a doozy!  He overcame that, to a large degree, and it was Mrs. Brandy’s attention that got him there…not mine!  But, his personality has always been high or low….I imagine he will read this and I don’t think I’m saying anything he would disagree with.  He is smart and his confidence is his own. 

I would suggest finding situations where she can be successful, truly on her own.  Find the things that she will enjoy….will she cook?  She is certainly old enough to mix a recipe (and enjoy her labor).  It sound you know what she does not love, perhaps she simply hasn’t found her true loves yet?  That is hard because you and I know that when you do things you enjoy IT does motivate you!!  How is she will little children?  Would she be good at helping?  

 

My parenting style is try and try and try some more….I have found nothing that works on everyone (with the exception being “calm”…..it is a good skill that I have to work on).  I try to not fall apart, or rather choose to not allow one persons frustration to become my own.  We try something else.  I do have words we cannot use……Nothing, Everyone, Never, Always, Can’t….they are thinking errors:

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1) “Nothing works” is wrong, something will, we just haven’t found it yet.

2) “Everyone has……” Not everyone….never everyone. My example is almost always first myself….”I don’t have a _____” that usually works too.

3)“You never let me…” I am good at remembering the exceptions.

4)“You always let Daniel ride in the front seat!” I am fair.   I sincerely try to be. I have taken some situations to the extreme and made it very fair…”Ok, Ryan, we can be fair; you will not ride in the front seat until everyone in the family has a chance first.”  That is usually not said again….

5)“I can’t clean the kitchen…”  We do it….of course you can.  We talk about our words…it might be better worded “I don’t enjoy working in the kitchen”…

I try very hard to remove those words from our vocabulary.  My kids all hate to hear “that’s a thinking error” but they sure do know what one is!!

I have some pleasers.  A few.  I love them.  But pleasing needs to be appropriate.  You would worry about your pleaser being bullied or pushed into poor choices as a teenager.  So you might work on appropriate pleasing.  Find situations where pleasing is good but rules must be followed.  Especially ones you can watch and give helpful hints with.

I am not sure I was helpful at all??       

A question that kind of goes with yours by Lisa:

“What do you do when absolutely NOTHING motivates them to improve?”

I remember when we first adopted our sibs of 6.  Joseph was 8, 9 quickly following arrival.  Joseph had a tough early schooling experience.  We held him back based on really poor reading tests.  He kind of (maybe a lot) resented that but we knew he deserved the chance to catch up!  He could bring homework home and sit for HOURS doing nothing.  I was so frustrated. In my youthful parenting I thought everyone wanted to hurry up, finish their homework so they could do something fun.  Nope. Not Joseph.  We spent years in homework frustration.  Like you, nothing worked and nothing motivated. 

Today I would use natural consequences.  If you didn’t do your homework and got poor grades you would not have _________ privilege.  I would think of applicable and appropriate ones.

I would be, as Robyn, more concerned about the future.  In the future Joseph has to have a job to support himself and he will have to complete tasks in a timely manner to keep that job.  Sadly, the natural consequence for him was growing up and not being allowed to live at home.  To have to support himself and he did learn to be a good worker!!  But it took way to long.

Today we have Ryan who exhibits almost the same behaviors as Joseph in lots of ways (biological half brothers).  I do not intend that it take years for him to learn these tasks. I call him out on poor choices and attitudes immediately!!  He works (which is his most hated thing) via chores mom chooses to correct those.  His motivation is not out of love but out of yuck….it is very yucky to have to scrub walls, and do dishes and mop and clean bathrooms.  It appears to be working. I had rather it be from the joy of doing right…..but to each their own!

Parenting is hard…..lol….but I think you both know that.  It is NO easier at this point than it was years ago….because my children are all still unique and all different!!  God sure did a good job at mixing up those personalitiesJ