grasping

I sometimes feel I am grasping at straws with Sam.  Over our EU weekend he struggled BIG time.  He struggles in the normal scheme of things but when you factor in another 30 people and feeding 80 on Saturday night?  A serious loss.  Sam acted out so much that he argued with Scott.  I have often said, and the kids will say, that Sam would never talk to Scott the way he talks to me.  On Saturday I told Scott I would never say that again.  Sam lost what small boundaries he maintains.

Yesterday John drove Carlton back to Millington and he thankfully took Sam too.  Sam spent 6 hours in the car listening to his ipod and playing his game boy and sleeping.  We at home had 6 hours of peace.

I am so very excited about grand babies and looking at the "how's" on my time.  I can do it, except for Sam.  I have no one who can make it with Sam and my crew for more than a few hours. 

I told Scott I needed to find a couple of camps to send the kids too this summer so I can go to Georgia and be with Chelsea and Bo.  But, there sure aren't any I can find for Sam.

I was so desperate today that I was looking at a troubled boys home on an island off the Alaskan coast.  No lie, there is actually a great one for mentally handicapped boys.

I think most frustrating is the serious dawning that this is likely as good as it gets.  Sam is mad most the time, mad that he does not have free reign.

This conversation is pretty common in my house.... this particular one was last week:


Sam: I cant wait until I'm 18, in 3 years I'm going to be an adult!!!

Mercedez (who does have her brilliant moments): Studies show that your brain doesn't stop growing until you're 25.

Sam: I don't care! In three years I'm gonna be an adult!!!

Ryan: Where are you going to live?  In your car?

Bella: More likely in a box!


Frustration.  Bella was unkind, although not "un-right".  Ryan was thinking of Sam as "normal" and I have serious doubts about him ever taking or passing a drivers test, let alone owning a vehicle.  But, Mercedez had it head on....Sam will not be ready at 18 to live on his own.  But, it is frustrating that he only sees escape and green grass.  It is doubtful we have any control over his life or any ability to help him.

I sat on the bed yesterday morning as Scott was packing his bags to go out of town for the week.  He had just finished talking to one of our big guys.  Scott counsels and advises and I am so thankful they see his wisdom.  I told Scott that people really had child rearing mixed up!  So what if a teenager messes up!  It is that 18, 19, 20 , 21 year old that  could totally destroy their life without  constant help!  That is when life truly gets serious!!  The thought of saving Sam until 18 only to quickly have him destroy his live is hard to look forward to.....really hard.  Today is hard, but tomorrow is likely going to be worst, unless there is an intervention.  Not sure how that will happen, but I am praying for it.

Some days I am just grasping at straws with Sam and others see to be predictable.  But his behavior is escalating again.  A old cycle that isn't so wonderful.  It is serious enough my big kids are asking "What are you going to do?" and  the truth is......we have no idea.

In a humorous, not so funny, happening.....last week, one evening, the kids were sitting around reading my old blogs that I have printed....they are really really old! As Sam picked up a book I was a bit concerned he might get mad if he read about himself. He looked at the book a minute and put it back down. It was one of the few times I have been thankful he is not a joyful reader! His dx of intermittent explosive disorder might not have been too happy that I vent here!!