I love this picture, it is one of my most favorites because all 21 children are in it. This is to a large degree before some incredible choices came into play and our "pictures" were altered. I know Sam gets mad every time he sees this picture.....
Sam is still living with our friend, although home for at least one night a week and when Ms. Gail is working. It is still a struggle. I AM thankful to not have to deal with his outrageous behaviors. I am thankful to not be the recipient of his anger. But, as I vented to Scott yesterday, when Sam was home my self esteem was not assaulted, my parenting was not questioned, my thoughts and ideas and love and desire was not constantly called out, it was not assumed that I know nothing and someone else was all knowing, and the way I spend my money on my children was not questioned. So having Sam somewhere else IS safer, but not easier.
This week as I caught him played an "axe slashing" game on the computer. I realize he simply does as he pleases. He did say he was "I'm sorry I forgot". I was quick to say, "Sam, you can tell me you are sorry for doing what you wanted and disregarding the rules but not that you forgot.". The no blood letting games is a long (as in 10 year) standing rule....one EVERYONE obeys!! It is not a "call Sam out" rule...it is a life rule. I don't think I have to say that he has lost computer rights and cannot sit with others at the computer either.
Sam's favorite books are military. He likes war stories. I'm glad he has found something he likes to read but I would never ever encouraged the subject matter. To every single counselor we have ever seen Sam's "I love army and military history" it is a red flag. I totally get that. Love of violence. Maybe the books are not blood and guts, but war most certainly is.
The two weeks ago when he stayed at our house he was up and dressed and out of his room by 4:40AM. I sent him back until 6AM....no reason to be up that early. This past week Scott got him an alarm clock so he could see the time.....he changed the time and was up before 5AM. I was up and cooking for THUMP at our house so I gave him chores to help me until 6:20. He simply does what he wants.....
Gail is coming to realize he will not ever grow up. That he will not be as independent as she would like. Scott and I understood that a long time ago. But I disagree with the "he's going to have to live with me forever". The minute he turns 18 I fully expect him to stop taking the medicine he doesn't think he needs, he will stop going to church (he is a non singing not involved pew sitter), and he will want to be in charge of himself. I hope not....but it is the life and choices I see.
Pictures I love, but a picture is only appearance.......but choices? They always reflect the heart of an individual. I sure hope Sam grows up mentally a little bit more before he hits the world!!!
It is uncanny how much alike some of our kids behaviors are. I have had two boys (one is currently 14, one just turned 18 last spring and moved out) who were always up before dawn. Sending them back to bed seems like a no brainer, but the older of the two would always cry and scream and slam doors - making sure to wake everyone else up in the process. He had an alarm on his door that he would set off over and over again until everyone else was yelling at him to cut it out. I found that the earlier they are up, the more trouble they find to get into and the more demanding they are - no one needs that. The 14 yo will still go back to bed when told to with a minimum of fuss, but I'm always on pins and needles, wondering when that will change. We also have the no violent games rule and the 14 yo is the one who is always trying to get around that one. He will look up "hunting images" and porn sites will pop up (even with all the parental supervision filters in place). He has no computer privileges at home because he always "forgets" what he is or is not allowed to do. The school gives him computer time based on a behavior plan, but they admit that he continuously goes onto unapproved sites right while they're sitting there supervising him.
ReplyDeleteWhen my now 18 yo was younger, I shared alot of his struggles with you. I knew he'd stop taking meds the second he knew he legally could. I knew the only compliance we obtained from him was because he were ultra-controlling of every second of his day (and he was very small for his age - if he had been a normal sized boy, we would have lost physical control long before he actually moved out). I hated the life we were forced to live and the constant questioning of our parenting choices. I can say we got him to age 18 without being in trouble with the law - we didn't give him the opportunity to get into legal trouble when he was with us and everyone he stole from at school refused to press charges because they hated us more than they hated what he was doing. Has he grown up? Matured? Nope. I think some peoples eyes were opened when he turned 18 and walked out of our home to go live at a homeless shelter (he refused to follow any of our "stupid rules" and was convinced he'd have no rules there - WRONG) and then had problems getting along with others there as well. I think he will continue to move from group to group in society, burning bridges and starting over again and again. Taking, taking, taking....letting people help him in any way they can until they tire of it and he starts over with a new group. I pray he grows up. I pray he doesn't victimize others or become a victim himself. Ultimately it is much easier to deal with their poor choices when they are not doing it under your nose and in your home.
One other thing - the whole "he'll have to live with you forever" deal is not reality on so many, many levels. My son was continuously informed of "his rights" from mental health and educational professionals. He knew he could legally quit school at 16 without our consent. He knew he did not have to participate in therapy at the age of 13 and he knew we couldn't force meds into him at age 18. We even told him that as long as he was even one day under 18 that we would report him as a runaway if he took off - and we are "mean what we say and say what we mean" kind of people. He reminded us of how the police wouldn't even bother to look for him on his 18th b-day if we called on him - and he was right (in spite of the fact that he was on 8 different meds and he was quitting them cold turkey that very day). He was continuously told that he needed more opportunities to be independent and that he should convince us of this (he didn't but there was alot more screaming at us involved because of it). He was convinced that we were not good parents because we did not let him drive or date and others were telling him he should be doing these things. Not one of these same people are in his life today. We jumped thru every hoop to get him services and were constantly belittled and undermined by those who thought they knew him and his needs better than we did. I cannot compete with the services the new gang of "professionals" can obtain for him now that he's an adult. Things they would never dream of helping us help him with under the age of 18 are now his for the taking. I feel very defeated by this whole situation but have learned a great deal about how our country functions and supports those with mental health issues and the people who try to care for them. In spite of everything, I am happy you have someone that Sam can stay with as much as he does to take the stress off your family (and I know how much that helps!).
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