Happy Birthday Stacy~

I'm posting this today instead of tomorrow because I have more time this morning to sit and cry (which is always a side effect of Stacy reminiscing). To be fair, I smile, laugh and talk about my silly funny wonderful sister, but loss is just something that leaves a missing spot in our life (good, bad or what ever ...it does).

I have eight siblings.  I am the oldest ...then Jon and Stacy.  My parents fostered from the time I was in elementary school until I was in high school before they stopped to adopt. I have four little sisters and two little brothers that came late in my life at home.  For the most part I "grew up" with Jon and Stacy.  As with threes, I was the peacemaker and they were the antagonists.  Jon more antagonist and Stacy more hot tempered.  I remember her chasing me once to my bedroom. I locked my door and she stood banging on the door for me to "open this door so I can hit you!!".  I think you all know I am smarter than that. I just remember staying in my room a lonnnnnngg time:)  As is often the case with big personalities the happy times were happier and funnier with Stacy.  She loved big and hard, she was so very loyal and compassionate, she was my best friend and I am quite certain I will never have another person in my life who knew me better or shared more of my life than Stacy.

As I have looked through pictures my dad brings to the house I rarely turn them over.  Stacy wrote on the backs so often and it is just way to hard to read and look at the same time.  A few months ago my dad brought all of Stacy's journals.  Scott said, "if he brings anymore you can't look at them".  lol:)  I remember reading a neat book many years ago by a father who had lost two of his three son's in a tragic accident.  He wrote a book about it.  The book was primarily and nicely written about the church and the way his church family encouraged and helped them.  But at the very end of the book, in the very last paragraph, he said something that I still can see in my mind 15 years later...

Time does not heal all wounds, but time does put more time between the moments when you think of them.

It is not easier to think of Stacy because 16 years (this Christmas Day) has passed.  In the moments I think of her the grief is just as strong and I am just as sad......but I do not feel that every day. I do not think of her everyday.

Tomorrow my sister Stacy would have been 43.  The last time she had a birthday was here ......

Stacy holding Zachary with Tommy and my four looking on.

This picture was of Stacy's 26th birthday. She died just 16 days later.  We have no pictures of her at the funeral but she wore this sweater. It was her new favorite.  It was soft and it added pounds to her so slight body.

My kids remember her and they don't.  They were all so very young.  I see her in all my pictures...

It was with Stacy I hid behind the columns on this farm house while Jon tried to shoot us with his BB gun because we wouldn't left him play with us.  Who knew he really wanted to play dolls??  

*As a side note I must all that BB gun was not seen for several years following the incident!

She was always the life of every single event....truly.

She is missed.  I know Jon and I both feel pretty strongly about that.  She is one of the greatest benefits of heaven.....I mean, seriously that are so many important attributes to heaven, but the thought of catching up with Stacy is so very very sweet.  

My mother was always sick.  Stacy was the one who stayed home, when to Junior College (and graduated) so she could help.  She was truly the caregiver for so many years.  My younger brothers and sisters were held accountable and loved greatly by Stacy.  The loss was different for them I think. I lost a best friend and sister, but they lost a sister and mother figure.  Stacy was the one who went to all their things and she was the one who helped them.  

 Stacy was there for the birth of each of my children.  She was funny and happy and she loved them so much. I often think that they would probably be much sadder at her loss if they had any idea how much she loved them.  Stacy had some issues that likely would have prevented her having (as in giving birth) to children but she loved them so much!  Above is with Sarah, who so often reminds me of Stacy.  I think of Stacy often when I see silly pictures of Sarah and Chelsea....this is one that made me laugh and really looked like something my girls would be caught looking like.....

 Silliness!  I love it and I miss it.  Even if I didn't look like I did:)

Stacy was blond as a child and kept it that way when she grew up.  Her hair was typically straight as a board.  My mom used the word "stringy" when she was young.  After her hair all fell out ....it came back dark and curly.  A very funny thing for my blond straight haired sister.  So many of her last pictures look like the one above taken with Jacob.

It is really hard to think of  her as a 43 year old.  It's hard to not see her.  But I do think, on this day (well, this day before the day), she so deserves my time.  Oh the things I would like to whisper to her! So much of my life has changed.  . Oh how much she would have laughed at the antics of my kids (even the teenage ones.....well, knowing her ...especially the teenage ones!).  

Today, 16 years later, I still miss her with all my heart.  

Happy Birthday Stacy!

Stacy Renee Holt........December 6, 1969 - December 25, 1995