Dear Daughter

I remember the first time I saw you in person. You had on a sweet pink gingham dress with a teal ribbon belt, your shoes even matched. You were beautiful, quiet and sweet. I loved you immediately. I enjoyed your smiles and laughter and your intelligence. You’ve always been great at finding things, being observant is wonderfully useful skill and a very nice one too. I love that you love cooking! I’ve had you underfoot in the kitchen for years. When you were little you simply stirred  and in recent years you have become a true help. I brag to people about your abilities, I am very proud of you.

Our relationship has always been tough. I think it’s likely because of trust. You had little reason to trust mothers and I understood that. I didn’t push. Until you began to be a teenager. I truly feel today, eight years removed from the first time I saw you, I feel you should know I mean what I say, you should know I love you and I will feed you and care for you. In my mind, if you don’t know that and understand that it’s because you aren’t paying attention. My life is about my children and you are my child. When a teacher let you fail in elementary school and there was no hope of recovering that grade, I brought you home to home school. Not really because home schooling was my hearts desire, but rather because your success was my hearts desire. From the days I began to see “teenage” years ahead I have tried to get you to open up and talk to me, to care about my thoughts ….that’s how you will understand me and I will understand you. But, “I’m not telling you anything!“ seemed to be the feeling of the times. You are quick to place blame on me. Quick to listen to anyone but me. I understand the thought process, I understand the whys, but what you don’t understand it that it doesn’t change who I am and what I am and what my life will be. I will still be your mother and I can guarantee without communication, with me left to guessing at your feelings and you guessing at my thoughts? We are both going to be very disappointed.

I know you have a difficult time understanding why I won't allow you more freedom. But the truth is simple, I don’t know you. I don’t know why you tick. I can only guess and that doesn’t work out very well. I don’t know what you want in life and what makes you happy….I really do not know your feelings. I don’t know those things because you don’t share. Without that knowledge, with me just guessing? I will err on the side of caution every single time. I will deny a freedom rather than give in and not have any idea how it will turn out. I can’t know how you will react in a given situation because you don’t share your thoughts. I know you find me outdated. I know you think I am clueless. I make the choices I do because I was once you. Granted I had a better relationship with my mother, but I remember the choices I was faced with and I remember the thoughts that I deal with. That scares me. You may not believe me, but I do want you to have an incredible life. I want God in your life and family that loves and cares for you and friends you can depend on…I want it in that order, because that is how it should be. I do want you to realize your dreams.

I know you’re in a hurry. You want to be grown now and choosing your own now. But the choices I see you making are not good ones. Perhaps you do make good choices, but if you are? You aren’t sharing them. My understanding comes from siblings, teachers, no bullying people and parents who share their disappointment in your behavior. That’s really sad, but it is also true..

I also know the day will come when you realize being grown-up simply was not what you thought it would be. I say that because I know you can only be as happy as you choose to be. If you are angry and hateful and unhappy today? You will be the same when you’re grown up. If the rest of your life is full of people correcting you because you do not choose to live differently? I can’t imagine much joy in that and I do imagine the sadness of your choices.

I want you to be a teenager, I want you to experience life as you should! I don’t want outside influences making choices for you. I want you to be strong and faithful and loving. I want you to enjoy each day and grow a little with that day.

I want you to trust me. I want you to learn, to try, to really work at trust. Please trust that I really do know what is best for you. I have no intention of holding you back when you are ready to “be grown up”, but for today? Today is simply about today and today you are not ready to be an adult.

Today you need to understand, for you, you need to understand….I am not going anywhere. My desire is to see my children grow in grace and beauty. I will not change my mind. I will not be swayed. I will not change what is most important. You need to see that if you choose to be alone, if you choose to be angry, if you choose to make poor friends, or behave against my will? I will still love you. I will. But life simply will never be kind to you. It will be hard and upsetting and disappointing. I am sorry. Not for my loving you or for the rules of our home, but sorry you do not see the blessings in your life. I sure do get tired sometimes of having to wait until some of my children grow up to “see” the good they had in their life. But, I can wait. I can be strong. I can be me, but it makes me sad to waste so many years waiting for understanding on your part.

I can guarantee that there are some things I hate….lack of ownership, disrespect and bad attitudes. These things make me upset. So upset me that very often I find myself regretting my words. I do. I do not regret the anger though, the anger it appropriate! It always shocks me. When you stand in disrespect, the very thought that you think it’s ok. It shocks me that anyone would treat another person poorly. My response is not always correct. I am not always sure what is correct in response to blatant in your face disrespect? While I know I will be angry, I will endeavor to calm myself. I will try to remember that you are a teenager, a child, a person my example matters to and I will simply use kind words to share with you my thoughts and the consequences of your actions.

I sure wish you felt differently. I sure wish you understood life. But I sure do understand that you are a child and I will try, very hard,  to not wish your life away.

Love Always and Forever,
mom