Self gratification?

You know, I wrote the post yesterday morning about sharing a room.  Then something happened to it and I lost half of it....so this morning I rewrote it.  I did so for me because I needed that post badly! I needed to be reminded why I do what I do.

About two hours after I finished it yesterday I got a call from Rosie's school.  I have to have her picked up by this Saturday morning (at the latest).  The whole post about why I do what I do....true. The part about how doing the right thing making you feel good...not true.

I will leave Friday when I finish babysitting (at 5:15pm) and drive 8 hours to Missouri.  Tasha is going with me. I will hopefully stay the night somewhere and have to be at the school by 10 am to pick up Rosie and drive back home all day Saturday.

I will miss my Stricklin family reunion...all my family, many of whom I only see this once a year will be there. It is at our church so I am leaving Scott and kids to set up, clean up and take my food.  That makes me sad.

And I will not be able to go to the beach with Scott.   It has been years...seriously years...I think 4 since Scott and I actually had more than one night alone, away from home.  I don't really care about the beach, but missing the time away with him is sad.  Sad might not even be the right word...devastated might be to big...yet it feels pretty right.

So I will return tomorrow night and Scott will leave for Destin (it was a paid for working vacation that he still has to attend).  I want to stomp my feet and cry.  ...But that wouldn't help either.

So my life just got a whole lot crazier.

Today Scott and I go have Sam's IEP at school.  His ED classroom has been cut.  I have tried to explain that Sam can't function in the high school.  The resource teacher assures me they will have classroom accommodations......on and on....but that is not the concern (oh he can't sit through a day of classes to be sure) ....the issue will be lunch room, bathroom, halls, walking, annoying others, personal space, appropriateness, bullying, bossing, not leaving girls alone.  Sam has not been in a regular school setting since 7th grade for a reason.  In elementary school he was suicidal, in middle school homicidal.....and now? Without serious structure and supervision? I really do cringe.  I will seriously support whatever the school needs me to support, but it sure wont keep bad things from happening....that make me sick. 

That all said/voiced/written I have to say that the school (teachers and administration) heard my concerns and took them very seriously.  We sat down to serious accommodations!! Sam will attend school half a day for this Senior year.  He will have an Ag class first thing in the morning and this fall he will follow with a resource (10-12 students per class) algebra class and next spring he will take resource (same kids) English 12.  We will pick up his three short needed required classes as home school/ home bound.  If he doesn't succeed then it will be all his fault not because all those concerned didn't do their part!!

Sam, like most tough kids blames others for all his misfortunes.  I am his chief offender.  I am the one he stood in the youth group activity last week talking about. I'm the one he says who hates him. I'm the one who cares less if he lives. I'm the one who threw him away. I'm the one who sent him away all the time. I'm the one who doesn't love him nearly as much as Ms Gail (who loves him most).  I called Scott after listening to the retelling by brothers and sisters who were there and tried to intervene (but seriously, there is no stopping Sam and his ideas).  It really did hurt my feelings.  Greatly.   I have driven more miles for Sam than any other child I have. I have spent more hours in counseling with Sam than all the other children combined.  I have spent more time talking with teachers for Sam than any other child.  I have worked harder for Sam....but you know he has no idea.  He doesn't hate Scott.  He understands the value of Scott (perhaps one of his smarter moments).  It just makes me sad.  I can remember seeing him for the absolute first time. He had big ole glasses and beautiful blue eyes.  He was a mess then.  Scott and I sat in a little room with Sam, Zack and Carlton as they seriously bounced off walls.  But we never backed down.  I remember the principal calling me when Sam was in 4th grade.  I can still see the letter he wrote stating he wanted to stab himself.  I can still hear the very serious implications the principal stressed.  They basically were you get him help or we will call and report it.  OF COURSE we treated his words seriously, but it wasn't my choice to place him in treatment.  When he tried to kill other person OF COURSE we treated that serious and once again he was in treatment but it was not my choice.  When Sam threatened to stab a man and was hospitalized, it was not my choice but OF COURSE we knew he needed help.  Over the years Samuel has forced our hand time and time again.  He is so much better than he was ten years ago.....but he only remembers anger and resentment....and apparently I am the one he blames for his life.  If playing the blame game worked my money would be on his birth mom for using drugs and alcohol, but you know, the blame game isn't very satisfying.  Sadly ownership goes a pretty long way.  So for me....I take full ownership for all the choices I made, regardless of the reasons, because I am not so sure Sam would be here if he had not had intensive help.  That's all my fault!

So, today I am going to try to set a good example of what you do when you are do disappointed.  I will take total ownership because Rosie is my daughter and I will respect those who have tried so hard to help her by arriving under their time schedule. But I am just sick and sad.   Loving others, doing the right thing?  It can be really really hard and it really lacks too much self gratification!!